At this point, the campaign to end Child, Early, and Forced Marriage (CEFM), launched in 2014- to empower parliamentarians to become leaders in the defense and promotion of the human rights of girls and women should be strengthened, especially the ‘FM’ part: forced marriages. This time round though, not focusing on only children, but also adults- those above 18 years, done with school, but not yet married.
The rate at which some parents are imposing ‘marriage’ pressure on their children is becoming disturbingly alarming. While the government is trying to curb the shooting numbers of youth partaking in alcohol consumption, dealing with mental health issues, and suicide, among other things, parents are obliviously fueling these vices by constantly asking their grown-up children ‘when they will get married’.
It is another thing when society asks the same question. But it is a completely different sting when ‘your own’ do the same, as you expect them to be understanding and on your side no matter what.
On her WhatsApp status, a friend of mine recently posted a meme that read: “Parents be comparing you to your successful age mates, as if presidents and ministers are not their age mates”.
Although the statement was followed by laughing emojis, the laugh is a sarcastic one because the meme holds more truth than jokes. If the tables were to turn, parents would hate it if their children were the ones comparing them to other parents.
That said, it is okay for you as a parent to be concerned about the way your child is living their life- you carried this human for nine months and made them what they are is, what is not okay though, is you wanting them to live life according to your terms.
Once in a while, you can bring up the topic about when you will meet your daughter/son in law, just don’t overdo it. The tone you use while inquiring about their other half should also be friendly so as not to spark hard feelings.
Most importantly, the timing should be the ‘perfect’ one, don’t wait for that Christmas lunch, when the whole family is gathered and having a great moment to pose the question-it will bruise your child’s self-esteem. The invited guests may be his/her aunties, uncles or siblings, but not ‘close’ enough for her to start discussing such matters with.
Ultimately, note that times have changed, settling down may or may not make it to the top of your children to-do list. So, while you feel ready to be called mother/father-in-law, they on the other hand opt to grow their careers, further their education, travel the world, or become billionaires first.
The act of parents pressuring their children to get married is common in most African countries, where the majority of cultures hold parents in high regard, which makes it difficult for children to clap back when their parents become intrusive in their romantic relationships. Have you heard of the saying ‘age is wisdom’, ‘adults are always right’, and so many others?
This is a plea to parents then, to hold honest conversations with your children, let them know about your concerns, and in the same way, respect their aspirations, life decisions, and perspectives.
Embrace the transformation of traditional notions of marriage and gender roles, not societal expectations. Understand that success is more than marriage, it can be; good health, happiness, long life, morals, and values.
