In true and strict Rwandan culture, having sex before marriage is generally not accepted, as it is in many other African countries. This view stems from the notion that marriage represents maturity and understanding of sex. However, things have changed. Talking openly about sex is more common in the younger generation, and being a virgin may even be considered embarrassing.
But, it is vital to ask: Can young people discuss sex with their parents? Even though addressing this matter with parents can be uncomfortable, should it seem inappropriate for children to ask their parents about it?
First and foremost, let’s be clear: discussing sex with your parents may not be fun. It isn’t, however, as scary as it appears! Believe it or not, your parents used to be your age. They’ve experienced the same awkwardness, cringe-worthy moments, and strange feelings.
I understand how awkward it is to blurt the word “sex” in front of your mother or father. But, it’s not as horrible as accidentally sending a text meant for your crush to your grandma.
One of my friends is in her early 30s and has a 10-year-old daughter. Whilst conducting my research, I suddenly became curious and asked her if she ever had a sex talk with her daughter. Her answer was yes.
“When my daughter turned nine years old, at her school they started to study the reproduction system. When she first asked me questions, I showed her a video showing how girls’ and boys’ physiology are completely different,” says the mother, “I showed her the part of her body she can never let anybody touch, you know what I mean?”
Through a grin, she added, “I even threatened her that if she ever let any boy touch her body, she would get pregnant and drop out of school. I know I’ll have to do more than that, but at least I’ve covered 30% of what she needs to know.”
I was in for a surprise! You see, to meet a parent who seemed relaxed about having sex education with her daughter. Coming from Rwanda, where alluding to these topics is somewhat taboo due to our culture, I thought, “This is probably because that friend of mine is just an exception, being all modern and stuff.”
The following person I interacted with was a bit older. A lady who gave me a dainty look as soon as I asked about the kind of sex talks she had at home. “Sex? Under my roof? No way!” She said, staring straight into my eyes, “My oldest is 25 and still a virgin!”
As a young person, this struck a chord. The contrast between the older and younger generations’ mentalities towards sexual openness had never been clear as day. Where the youth believes in addressing these conversations for better communication and understanding, and parents are schooled to ignore or omit them in the hope that they won’t infect their kids’ minds with what they believe to be impoverished behavior. Who was I to judge?
In a world where some moms are eager to bring up uncomfortable topics, particularly regarding relationships, the onus of the sons on the other end of the discussions is far too heavy.
One young man explained that whenever his mother tried to talk to him about sex, he would hug her and promise to talk about it later. Isn’t this the typical avoidance tactic? But then there was this memorable day when he had “the talk” with his father.
The father sat him down, serious face on, and threw wisdom bombs. “He said, ‘Son, there are three things in life that can end men’s lives: alcohol, money, and women.’ And that’s when I knew it was time to listen to my mother,” muttered the man.
Despite all the speculation, we know factually that our parents cannot read our minds. They might perhaps be hoping their offspring will initiate the conversation. Whether that ends up happening or the parents take the initiative, there is a wealth of advice and support when it’s all said and done. It’s like progressing to the next level in life.
However, the talk also has the potential to forever ruin lives if not cautiously addressed. Deborah, one of my sources, was about 12 years old when her mother discussed the ins and outs of menstruation and other topics with her. At the time, it was not a big deal to her, but she later found a proper lack of dialogue had never been reached.
When she turned 18, things became quite ugly. One day at supper, her father started talking about issues that made her quite uncomfortable. Deborah explained that her heart was beating fast, and she wanted deeply to escape. “He basically said that I couldn’t be friends with boys because I wasn’t at their level. Whenever there were guys around, I’d try to avoid them and act all weird, and this is why I never thought about having a partner till now. That’s when I realized I’d never discussed sex with my father, and it was too late.” she said.
Knowledge is power! Talking to your parents about sex might seem scary, but it can help you understand things better. It’s like exploring a new place – a bit nerve-wracking at first, but exciting too. Being informed about your body and relationships can give you confidence as you grow up.
So, don’t hesitate to ask questions or start conversations with your parents about such matters. They’re there to help you understand and support you as you learn. Moreover, more resources are available — through books, cool aunt or uncle talks, or the internet to ensure you know enough as you grow. Just make sure to double-check the information.
