For a sacred month of love, what could be better than sitting down with a cup of tea and reading words filled with wisdom from a couple who just celebrated their 30th anniversary? The love story of Francois Xavier Ngarambe and Yvonne Solange Kagoyire began in a period when handwritten love letters were the essence of romantic connections.
To this day, they uphold this tradition. Titled “OUR TIME,” they now have a collection of notebooks they have shared since the inception of their first feelings. This January, the couple celebrated their pearl anniversary at Saint Famille Church, where they tied the knot 30 years ago. Originally planning a modest Thanksgiving mass, an unexpected grand celebration orchestrated by their five children and extended family marked the occasion, they told us.
As we sat with them, they shared their thoughts, experiences, and recommendations on how to maintain a long-lasting and healthy relationship. They give us insights on how to communicate effectively, overcome obstacles, balance personal growth, and keep the romance alive.
Through their daily practices, we got a glimpse into the secrets of their successful marriage. Reflecting on their journey, Solange describes them as a normal couple but distinguished by their intention, desire, and commitment to live their love to the fullest. Xavier Francois echoes this sentiment, summarizing it as a resilient couple even in stormy weather.
What is the recent beautiful moment you remember most in your love story?
Yvonne-Solange: It would be the photoshoot for this magazine. We had many moments looking directly into each other’s eyes, a moment of intimacy while under the flashlights, and I think it was a moment of beautiful connection and complicity. Looking at each
other, we said a lot.
Francois-Xavier: I think it was this morning in our greeting ritual. A way to greet each other very specially, to say I love you, and to bless each other and say “I commit today to love you” knowing that each day comes with its challenges
Our Time?
We have been favored, since our engagement, to be open to each other, to communicate very easily, and to seize every opportunity to nurture our relationship. Today, as a couple, the tools we established from a young age help us significantly.
We used to write letters during our engagement, exchanging dozens of written pages. We have kept this method of communication through notebooks we call ‘Our Time.’
There have been numerous editions since our engagement, though unfortunately, some were
destroyed during the genocide. But this method of communication through ‘Our Time,’ this notebook where each of us leaves a small message for the other, is akin to WhatsApp or Instagram nowadays.
And during difficult times, how do you navigate communication?
Yvonne-Solange shared with us When moments become challenging, I must admit that I am the first to isolate myself and cut off communication. Fortunately, I have a husband who is quite open and comes to me and knocks on the door to restore contact.
Often, it is even a non-verbal communication where your partner invites you, seeking forgiveness if they are at fault, or vice versa. And eventually, we moved towards
reconciliation because we took the time to look at each other, listen, and understand.
Patience, listening, humility, and the will to tune the strings, he continued. There is something that touches me every time, it is a term we discovered by sharing our letters and past stories “Our strings harmonize”. With the experience of several years, we have seen that all the work in the couple is to ensure that the strings are tuned so that the music is always good.
The strings in the difficult moments of life can become untuned. And if we were to play our music, it would not be very pleasant. To adjust it requires a work of listening and patience. It is also important to remember the virtue of humility. When I tune my guitar, I have to bend over it; Similarly, in life, we must also be willing to be humble and patient. Not all problems can be solved quickly or easily. It takes time and effort to overcome challenges.
After that the strings tune, and we can play music that people can listen to.
Your companion is an enigma, she explains we can never fully understand each other, but we can learn to love someone as they are and discover new things about them every day. Human beings are constantly evolving, so we should not try to master everything about them in an instant. Even after thirty years, there are still things we can discover in each other, just as there are things, we can discover in ourselves.
By not pretending to know our partner completely, we can open ourselves up to empathy and truly connect with them. Your companion is a mystery, just as we are to them, and there may be unpleasant things we discover along the way.
However, if we have decided to love them for life, until our death, then we should learn to accept them for who they are and not try to change them into someone they are not.
As a team, we win better than individually I find it difficult to advise without listening, understanding, and grasping the dynamics of a person’s relationship. Every couple is unique, thus the advice I can offer is also unique. However, in general, I believe that to overcome difficulties, Couples should return to the decision they made “I decided to love you,” “I decided to stay with you until death.”
Returning to our oath, the exchange of consent we made “I accept you whether you are sick or healthy, in times of peace or hardship, I will love you, be faithful, respect and honor you until the end.” When we revisit these vows, we say, “I continue,” and it can truly help overcome challenges and difficulties. Remembering the will and decision, recalling the exchange of consent, is not just for that moment; it should not be forgotten.
Your Partner is not your enemy Do not forget that you are a team, and you need to help each other. If difficulties arise from one spouse, remember that your partner is not your enemy. The difficulty is there, and you will learn to find solutions together. The enemy is outside of
us, and we work as a team against it.
Often, when there is difficulty or crisis in the couple, mutual accusations arise. “You did this, you started it, you brought us to this point,” and your partner becomes the enemy. However, realizing where the problem lies, and facing it together as a team against the common adversary, is the key. In team spirit, we fare better than individually.
My Personal goal linked to a personal talent should not overshadow the well-being of the family (In his voice). I am an artist and a singer-songwriter, and my dream is to build a career in music. For a long time, I juggled my passion for music with other jobs. I contemplated quitting my job with all its benefits, to fully pursue music. However, my practical-minded wife, considering the wellbeing of our entire family beyond individual goals, raised concerns about our livelihood.
I listened to her wisdom, chose not to act impulsively, and stayed with my job. After numerous reflections and discussions, we found a way to make it possible. We achieved a common goal, and that became the turning point. My wife, recognizing the stability of our family life as a top priority, gave me the green light to pursue my musical ambitions. This experience taught me that personal goals should not overshadow the well-being of the family. I am willing to sacrifice individual objectives if they jeopardize the lives of my wife and children.
Family comes first. A weekly Love date, “Couple Time” Every week, we have a couple’s date to rekindle the flame. We call it “Couple Time.” We can go out for a restaurant meal, take a stroll in the neighborhood, or enjoy a cup of tea on the terrace. This moment is cherished, and we have remained faithful to it since our engagement. “For example, if we attended a wedding and could not find time for ourselves, we would find another moment. We might have lunch together, for instance, at noon near my workplace, during the week.
Even if we cannot make it due to other commitments, we make up for it the following week. We do everything to have this lovers’ rendezvous. We chose Saturdays as our date day. Understanding each other’s Love Language, we can see people expressing their love, and we think it comes automatically and easily. People could believe it is like an engine that you warm up, and then it starts.
However, sometimes we are too tired to express ourselves, but it is important to know what pleases our partner. There is a book that has been very helpful to us, Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’. It has taught us about the importance of love and how we can contribute to filling each other’s love tanks. For example, my partner’s love language is touch and although I am not naturally touchy, I have learned to become more affectionate to make her feel loved.
On the other hand, my love language is acts of service and affirming words, so she tries to show me her love through these actions. We also celebrate each other’s love languages on specific days. For instance, on her special day, I bring her a gift because I know she loves presents. Although I am not big on gifts, I have learned that this is an important way for her to feel loved. I know that she likes flowers, so I usually bring her one flower because it delights her. By understanding each other’s love languages, we can show our love in the ways that matter most to each other.
As a woman, it is necessary to distinguish between reality and imagination It has happened that I lacked trust in him and expressed it. I confronted him because I needed him to explain certain things to me. But what saves us is communication and sincerity in our relationships.
François Xavier is very straightforward. He will tell you things. He listens humbly, attentively, without judging. And trust is quickly restored because there is no judgment. If he had judged me if he had distanced himself from me a bit, it would have been very difficult for me to regain trust, to reinstate that climate of trust.
I must also say that as a woman, my imagination plays a lot of tricks on me. And that affects trust. For that, I have to silence my imagination and share with François Xavier these torments that I experience internally. To be able to externalize them and confide in him. And like that, it is a done deal. I rid myself of what torments me internally and I have the version of palpable things. I leave my environment and my imagination that gives me horrible scenes. And I come out of there and I live the reality.
We travel through life with thankfulness and trust in God, realizing in humility that everything in it is a gift from the Lord. Accepting the reality of our insignificance, we face obstacles, overcome failures, and keep on. Our steadfast faith in God strengthens trust, the foundation of our relationship, and shapes our capacity to project optimism and light in all facets of our shared life. This introspective voyage is evidence of the strength of humility, faith, and the divine light that brightens our way.
For young couples, do not be afraid when storms, winds, or earthquakes come your way. Stand firm, do not be discouraged; Lean on each other for support, and remember that love is like a plant that requires watering from both partners. With effort and care, love can evolve and grow, and in turn, bear beautiful fruits. As their eyes locked in a moment of pure affection, they whispered those three magical words “I love you” and just like that, the interview came to an end.
