Like many other social setups, families have changed. In the past, we usually thought of families as having a mom, a dad, and kids. But now, families can be all sorts of different setups. Some families have just one parent, some have parents who aren’t married, and some have same-sex parents. Some people decide not to have kids at all. Even though neighborhoods still look the same, families come in all shapes and sizes today.
In a world where individualism is trumping the “it takes a village” approach, parents are continuously choosing to take up child-rearing solo or opt for shared custody.
Traditionally, stigma and victimhood have become synonymous with single motherhood. In Rwandan tradition, bearing children without a spouse was and continues to be frowned upon; before, they would throw those moms into the lake to kill them, and there is even an island named after them “Akarwa Kabakobwa”, Kinyarwanda for “Girl’s Island”.
Some single mothers intentionally choose this while others are forced into motherhood by teenage pregnancies or unexpected pregnancies.
To new single mothers, Lena Rutayisire, a 28-year-old mother of a daughter aged six, sat down with her thoughts and wrote a letter to you all. Tips, words of encouragement, and more
Dear single mothers,
Normally, mothers are the backbone of a family; they know everything about everyone. They know where you left your keys, your other pair of black socks, and whether you cried before falling asleep last night.
The attention to detail and inherent instincts are both double-edged. They make our mothers essential to our well-being but also make them chronically overwhelmed by situations.
I understand that being alone can be one of the most challenging parts of life. Mothers who raise their children alone know this very well. Loneliness comes when you finish running around during the day so you can put food on the table in the evening, go home to prepare food, and help do the children’s homework after putting them to bed, and that’s when the loneliness comes and wraps in a blanket so you can fall asleep thinking about how you will start all over again the next day.
You are a warrior because you constantly fight against everything and everyone. Your efforts go beyond providing for the family; you ensure your child feels loved and supported, and you are committed to breaking stereotypes when people tell your kids they were raised by women (warezwe n’ umugore). This explains your sensitivity, and it is okay to be sensitive.
Fighting so that your child does not seek affection from strangers takes a unique type of courage, especially because you have decided to become both parents to them. And I want you to know that every time you fight your inner demon, which constantly tells you that you are a woman and therefore weak, your efforts are not wasted.
Your love, sacrifices, and solid commitment to your child make you an exceptional mother and a great inspiration to them. Remember that you are not alone, and your strength is not overlooked.
I wish you the strength to fight, the warmth for your child, the time to take care of yourself, and the support system you need.
With admiration.
Lena Rutayisire.
