The festive season remains one of the most cherished times of the year in many homes, ranking high among the rare events that still bring relatives together in celebration. Well, that is, for some. Others have opted out of traditional church weddings, favoring civil marriages that only require a handful of witnesses. And let’s not forget the families with ‘favorites’ and ‘least favorites,’ where some relatives are invited, and others are left out during merrymaking ceremonies.
However, during the festive season, especially when the common factor (grandmother or grandfather) is still alive, all differences seem to fade. This brings relatives together in one accord.
These gatherings often include aunties and uncles bringing their children to reconnect with their roots and share family traditions. Despite sharing the same bloodline, however, uncles and aunties often raise their children differently—whether planned or unplanned.
Planned Parenting
An article by Planned Parenthood traces the roots of planned parenting back to October 1916. Margaret Sanger, born into a family of 11 children, grew up witnessing her mother’s health deteriorate from numerous pregnancies, including seven miscarriages. Her mother succumbed to tuberculosis at just 50 years old. This personal tragedy, combined with Margaret’s experiences as a nurse—where she encountered women dying from unsafe, illegal abortions—spurred her to travel to Europe to study birth control methods.
In collaboration with her sister, Ethel Byrne, and activist Fania Mindell, Margaret opened the first birth control clinic in Brownsville, Brooklyn. The clinic provided sexual and reproductive healthcare, marking the start of a movement for accessible and affordable services.
At the time, birth control was illegal, and Margaret’s advocacy led to her arrest. While her team complied with paying fines, she refused and served a 30-day jail sentence. The clinic was shut down, but Margaret remained undeterred, traveling across the country to spread her message.
However, Margaret’s campaign was not without flaws. As a eugenicist, she believed in improving society through selective breeding for desirable traits—a belief that has since been criticized and rejected.
Today, Planned Parenthood has redefined her mission, advocating that “all people— every race, religion, gender identity, ability, immigration status, and geography—are full human beings with the right to determine their own future and decide, without coercion or judgment, whether and when to have children.” In a nutshell, when births are planned (planned parenthood), parents are in position to provide their children (planned kids) with the basic needs–education, food, shelter, clothes, among other things.
Understanding Planned Kids in the African Context
Fast forward to the 21st century, the term “planned kids” now refers to children whose parents not only provide the basics but also certain luxuries. These are children whom, Africans believe, when asked where milk comes from, answer, “the supermarket,” not a cow. They dine out at restaurants or hotels, often thinking that’s where food grows, not in a garden.
While other children might walk or take public transport to school, planned kids have chauffeurs when their parents are busy. Water, for them, comes exclusively from faucets—whether in the bathroom, kitchen, or compound. Any other source—be it rain, springs, or wells—is dismissed as “dirty.” Their clothes? Shopping malls or shipments from abroad, courtesy of a well-off relative. If locally sourced, you can bet they’re rocking designs from high-end brands like Moshions, Zuba, or House of Tayo—not the local market.
At home, even seating arrangements reflect their carefully curated hierarch Visitors—especially those deemed not up to the household’s “standards”—are likely relegated to the floor or a less desirable spot in the living room, far from “their” sofa. And if there’s a TV mounted on the wall, brace yourself to watch whatever Little Arnold has on. Dare to request a channel change, and you might find yourself asked if you’re aware of the TV’s price tag.
Their parents? Doctors, lawyers, engineers, pilots, ministers, or bank executives—occupations that exude status and prestige. Cousins whose parents don’t make the cut socially are shunned or, at best, tolerated during family events. If they’re acknowledged, it often comes with veiled reminders of their “lesser” background—mockery of their parents’ jobs, sense of style, or neighborhood.
For these planned kids, house chores are as foreign as the idea of hard work; maids handle the former, while the latter is unnecessary when money seemingly flows from banks or ATMs without effort.
With such perceptions deeply ingrained, today’s planned kids stand out in their attitudes and behaviors, often to the shock and dismay of relatives and others around them.
Guidelines for Planned Kids at Family Gatherings This Festive Season
Understanding the Value of Greeting Elders:
Because you were brought into the world after careful planning, you are dearly loved by your parents. This love, while necessary, is sometimes expressed in ways that may seem unconventional in broader society, especially in African culture. For example, while elders in your home may do the greeting, elsewhere, children are expected to greet their elders first.
As you head into the festive season, make sure to greet your elders—it’s not just about showing respect, but also about adhering to proper etiquette. And no, your usual “hi” or “what’s up” won’t do. Add titles like “Uncle,” “Auntie,” or “Grandma,” and greet them with a warm handshake, a slight bow, or even kneeling, depending on local customs.
Sharing is Caring:
Being the only child or one of just a few siblings, you’re accustomed to having your own toys, clothes, and shoes. Sharing, to you, is often an atrocity, and you’ll likely throw a fit if a cousin or neighbor dares touch your belongings. But this festive season, remember sharing is caring. If your cousins come to visit, offer them some of your toys or anything you value. And when you’re the one visiting, ask before taking something that belongs to someone else. After all, you tend to be more inclined to take than to give.
Expressing Gratitude for Meals and Hospitality:
This one should go without saying, but I’ll mention it anyway: holiday gatherings with extended family are often accompanied by delicious, lovingly prepared home-cooked meals. These meals take time, effort, and resources to make, and those involved in t preparation deserve your appreciation. In my tradition, for instance, Christmas lunch preparation starts as early as the 22nd (with the slaughtering of animals), and the meal itself is made on the 24th.
Then there’s Melissa, the planned kid, who always arrives at family Christmas lunches with her meal served in a plastic foil from Cafe Javas or a ceramic plate, brought all the way to a village in ‘Kyanamukaka,’ southern Uganda, to celebrate with her extended family. In her ‘Baganda’ home, food is traditionally served in a banana leaf—a custom Melissa finds “disgusting.” Not only does she refuse to eat, but she throws tantrums. To all the Melisas out there planning to visit relatives this festive season, either try the food offered—even just a small portion—or stay home. Rejecting food in an African household is not just rude; it’s seen as a bad omen—something that could bring misfortune to the home.
When served food, show respect and gratitude—especially since you didn’t help cook it (let’s be real, you can’t even boil water). Simply say “thank you” to those who worked hard to put a meal on your table. Better yet, help with the cleanup, even if you’re not asked. Your elders made sure you had food, so the least you can do is lend a hand. Plus, it’s a great way to bond with your cousins and maybe even learn a few life skills.
Being Mindful of Village Rules and Customs:
It’s also worth noting that many grandparents live in rural areas where life moves at a different pace. Nature not only has a seat at the table, but it is also the table. Be prepared for dusty roads, bushy neighborhoods, and houses where the paint is peeling. It may seem picturesque, and you’ll likely whip out your phone to snap photos, but don’t stress about things like finding a type C charger or looking for Wi-Fi to update your Instagram fee People in these areas have bigger concerns, like what they’ll eat tomorrow, not data or internet connection.
Just as you might be intrigued by the different dress codes in the village, your Au Berna will likely be shocked by the metals in your nose and ears. Consider sparing her the surprise and dress “appropriately” for the occasion. After all, you have options, and she doesn’t. Leave your high-fashion wardrobe and accessories for Kigali fashion week.
Creating Positive Memories Together:
At the end of the day, the holidays are about making memories with family. Be flexible, considerate, and willing to step up when your younger cousins or elderly relatives need help. Join in local traditions, whether that’s brewing urwagwa or preparing rucakarara, or playing traditional games. These experiences will help you connect with your heritage and develop a deep sense of pride in your family and culture.
And don’t forget to express gratitude to the family members who hosted and took care of you before you head back to wherever you came from. Time is precious, right? A warm hug, a handshake, or even a “thank you for having us” can go a long way in showing appreciation. A small gesture, like slipping in an ‘igihumbi’ (one thousand francs note), will certainly make it feel even more heartfelt.
